Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation over and over again, wondering whether you said the wrong thing?
Maybe you spend hours trying to make a decision, going through every possible outcome. Or you find yourself lying awake at night, trying to solve problems that somehow seem much bigger at 2 am.
Most of us overthink sometimes. But when it becomes a regular pattern, it can leave us feeling anxious, exhausted and even less certain about what to do.
Why do we overthink?
Our brains are very good at scanning for risks and trying to protect us from them. When something feels uncertain or threatening, thinking about it can give make us feel like we are doing something useful or that we are protecting ourselves in some way.
We might believe that if we think about a problem for long enough, we’ll eventually find the perfect solution. Or that replaying something that has already happened will help us understand it and prevent us making the same mistake again.
The problem is that our minds aren't always very good at recognising when useful thinking has stopped and overthinking has begun.
When thinking stops being helpful
There is a difference between problem-solving and worry.
Problem-solving can help us find a solution. We identify a problem, consider our options and decide what we can do.
Overthinking tends to go around in circles.
What if I make the wrong decision?
Why did I say that?
What if they think badly of me?
But what if...?
Rather than producing an answer, each thought generates another question. This can move us further away from finding a solution. Because we are giving so much attention to the problem, we can become anxious, which can make our problems feel much bigger than they actually are.
Over time, overthinking can affect our sleep, concentration and mood. It can make decisions harder and stop us being in the here and now. We can also adopt unhelpful strategies to reduce the overthinking, such as drinking too much alcohol or doomscrolling on social media, which can make us feel worse.
How can we stop overthinking?
Trying to force yourself not to think is very hard. A well-known example is the pink elephant exercise. In this exercise, the more someone is told not to think about a pink elephant, the more likely it is to appear in their mind! The same thing happens when we try not to think about things that are worrying us. Telling ourselves we ‘should not’ think about something can actually make our minds more active!
We cannot stop thoughts appearing in our minds, but we do have some control over how we respond to them.
When we notice that we are getting caught up in our thoughts, it can be useful to ask: is there something I can do about this right now? If there is, we can take action to resolve the situation. If there isn’t, continuing to think about it may not be helpful - even if your mind insists that further analysis will finally provide the answer!
CBT techniques such as worry postponement can help us detach from thoughts in the moment. We can learn to postpone our worries to a specific time of day. We then let ourselves worry as much as we want during that time. This can be easier than trying to stop worrying completely, while allowing us to do it in a more controlled way.
We can also practise noticing thoughts and emotions rather than automatically following them. Mindfulness can help us recognise when the mind is caught up in worries again without needing to resolve every thought that appears. Techniques such as imagining our worries as leaves floating by a stream can be helpful. We can learn to simply watch them float past rather than engaging with them.
Sometimes it can also help to gently bring your attention back to what you are doing - going for a walk, making dinner, talking to someone or listening to music - even while the uncertainty is still there.
The goal isn’t to empty your mind or never worry again. It is simply to give yourself some space. When we step out of the cycle of overthinking, we tend to feel calmer and our problems can feel smaller and more manageable.
For some people, for example, those with an anxiety disorder, additional support may be required. Understanding what might have triggered the worry and what keeps it going, with the support of a therapist can be really helpful.
You can find out more about how I work in therapy.