You make a mistake at work and you're still thinking about it hours later.
Someone doesn’t text you back and you immediately wonder what you've done wrong.
Or perhaps, at the end of the day, instead of thinking about what you have achieved, you focus on all the things you still haven’t done!
If any of this sounds familiar, you might have a strong inner critic.
Where does the inner critic come from?
It is very common to be hard on ourselves. Our experiences growing up and in relationships, school and work can all affect the way we see ourselves. For example, if we grew up with critical parents or teachers, we might internalise their criticism. Or if we experienced painful times when we failed at something, we might learn to criticise ourselves as a way to avoid similar situations in the future. Examples of beliefs we might develop include:
If I criticise myself first, maybe other people's criticism won't hurt as much.
If I push myself hard enough, maybe I won't fail.
If I keep everyone happy, maybe I'll be accepted.
We might not even be conscious that we are doing this. It just becomes a part of who we are. It makes sense that we develop these strategies but they can become exhausting and stop us appreciating the good things about ourselves.
But doesn't being hard on myself motivate me?
Many people worry that if they stop criticising themselves, they will become lazy, complacent or stop achieving. But there's a difference between encouraging ourselves to grow and attacking ourselves for being imperfect.
Imagine your friend made a mistake and told you about it. You probably wouldn't say:
What is wrong with you? You always mess things up. Everyone else manages this. You should have known better.
You might acknowledge the mistake and help them think about what they could do differently next time. But you would respond with kindness, understanding that making mistakes is part of life and doesn’t affect someone’s worth as a person.
Try noticing the voice
Reducing self-criticism doesn't mean forcing yourself to think positively or telling yourself that everything you do is great. We can’t stop thoughts coming into our heads but we can change how we respond to them.
A useful first step can be simply to notice what your mind is saying when something goes wrong. We can usually tell if it’s something critical because we don’t feel good.
Be your own best friend
At times when you notice yourself being self-critical, you might ask yourself what you would say to a good friend. We are generally much kinder to others than we are to ourselves. But we can learn to talk to ourselves in the same way.
Perhaps instead of:
I can't believe I did that. I'm such an idiot.
You might try:
I’m disappointed that happened. I made a mistake, but that’s OK - I’m human. What can I learn from this experience?
It may feel unnatural at first. If you’ve spent years being critical of yourself, a different way of relating to yourself is unlikely to feel automatic overnight. It can help at first to write the thoughts down alongside new, more compassionate responses and practise this whenever you can. Every time you do this, you are helping to train your brain to respond in a more compassionate way.
Therapy can help
It can be hard at times to quieten the inner critic, and sometimes we need some support to do this. In therapy, we can explore where these patterns came from, what keeps them going and how you might begin responding to yourself differently.
You can find out more about how I work in therapy.